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December 11th, 2006
05:49 pm
Broke up with my girlfriend...yeah.
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October 11th, 2006
11:21 pm - Food and Stogs
Well, I know what working 40 hours a week and living pay check to pay check is like now. Wonderful. After a while you learn to cope without food, which gives me a cool comeback to anti/non-smokers. "Why do you smoke?" (dumb fucking question) "Well, it cheaper than buying food because when you smoke a stog, it surpresses your appitite." They usually concede defeat after this one and the conversation continues. Only thing bad about this is that you don't eat any brekfast, maybe some toast, if you have bread that is, but the main course is usually about two cigarettes. Then you work 2pm-11pm you get home, and you eat well....more cigarettes. Now heres the problem. When you run out of cigarettes, your fucked (speaking from recent experience) and your fucked even more if your broke and you have no cigarettes until your next pay day (which as of now is in two days). So not only your going through nicotine withdrawls, your broke and hungry. Add those three qualities together, and you have a very pissed off member of the american working class.
So after considering all this, now I know why people rob, steal, and even sometimes kill. They are hungry, and they lack nicotine. Moments like these make me miss being a fat ass. At least my body had the rich nourishment that is lard, and if I go too long without food it would just eat it from my big ass. Well...that ass is kind of fading away, and im starting to have go to auxillary areas for spare fat to push me one more day till payday when i can have a proper meal. See when your broke and hungry, a luxury meal is taco bell, rockstar, AND cigarrettes. Not only the stimulation gets you through the day fast, you don't really notice your hunger because your too wired off of all the chemicals and by-products you ingested for it to really have an effect. Which is really good because this makes work a bit easier when you don't feel like someone stabbing a scalpel in your stumach.
Moments like these make me hate my dad. Hopefully with the money he has he can afford to die on a mattress, and no one will be around him. He will be old, lonely, and he will have an epiphany. "Hey, I'm a fucking hypocrite preaching god every 10 seconds, but yet, I told my family to fuck off. I didn't really read that thats okay in the bible. Oh shit...I think im going to hell." Which is also okay, it really is. Nothing says karma more than a moment where you regret 3/4 of your life. But enough about that dickhead.
Even though I can't stand the bitch, one person I really feel sorry for is my mother. The weak-minded broad just can't take care of herself. Not in the sence of feeding, washing, etc. But just common fucking sense. So indecisive, and extremly sensitive. So I guess I should just sum it up and use the word "pathetic". Only reason I feel sorry for her, because I know instead of thinking of a way to get out of this situation, she probably keeps dwelling on "how did it come to this?" Which is bad, because you don't think of any solutions, its... counter productive.
Theres a few lights at the end of the tunnel, though, they're reinstating my moms medical check so I can finally fucking eat again. Hell, maybe I can go back to school again. Eh, oh well, about a month more of this and we'll see.
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September 22nd, 2006
12:31 am
Well, I havn't done an update in a while, and I have nothing to do so might as well.
So, where should I begin, I guess we should start with the small talk. Eight months at Lowe's...wow, im a loser. It's not that bad, it's actually been pretty chill lately, other than the normal drama at work. Theres one thing im getting sick of, is this "Days of our Lowe's" shit. It's as if I am working on the set of a soap opera. Who's fucking who, who's not showing up to work, who's a bad manager. I think it's safe to say that the novelty is wearing out, and I've starting to wonder how the hell am I avoiding drama, while everyone else is stuck back in high school. These are people 25-60 acting like they're 14, and to tell you the truth it's pretty disturbing.
Smoked with my co-worker last night, thats the only positive out of the swarm of negatives thats been happening lately. Jenna is a sweet girl, bit of a temper though.
Hmm whenever I think of hanging out with a co-worker I feel sort of like a loser. I mean I guess it was bound to happen I'm with these guys all day, but yet theres a strange feeling seeing them when not on lowes property, but eh oh well. I guess I gotta hango ut with them anyways, I see everyone else every now and then, but scheduals never really match up, so no time to chill.
But enough of the idle chit chat, interesting turn of events today:
From hence forth, my family will be moving out of our current location. This was comming for a long time, and we're currently broke, but this is what set me off.
So I was just smokin weed in my basement, you know, normal ol' day. I got out, went in my house to gather my things before heading off to the wonderful place I work. Then I hear a knock on the backdoor as if it was a pissed off cop. I knew who it was instantly because we're pretty late on the rent, and the landlords son is a fucking undercover cop for san jose police. I answer the door, and the expected question came "Hey, do you have the rent?" Oh and guess who I see, ol' Mr. Brasil, the owner of the house, a sweet old portugese man, who just happens to be immensly pissed. So I say "well they don't tell me anything, my mom should be home after 5 and my sister after 6, they still havn't given it to you?" He goes "Yeah, your four months late..." And Mr. Brasil being the sweet old man that he is says in a thick portugese accent "Where is my money!?" as he rubbs his fingers together like a fucking loan shark. And I was thinking Woa, four fucking months, no one ever told me that.
"Why you no pay rent?"
"Well sir I don't really handle that, I just pay the cable."
"This, no more (actual translation)" as he shook his hands in a vertical motion "You no pay, you get out!"
"K, i'll be sure to let em know"
Fucking cock sucker. So I was walking out the front door, they were snooping around the basement (probably smelt the pot, heh fuckin' pig) and we were both in the front yard leaving, he points to my sisters broken down car, and says
"Is this your sisters car?"
"yeah, the engine is messed up though, why?"
"Well don't be surprised if your neighbors complain that its parked out here"
Now, I know how pigs work, and I knew what this cock sucker was getting at.
"Well, we know all our neighbors and talk to them and non of em complained at all"
"I'm just sayin don't be surprised if you get a complaint and get it towed"
How mature. We're broke, so your gonna try to call a tow truck to tow my sisters car, amazing. Well those two faggots drove off together into the sunset, and I made my way to work.
So, after 20 years of renting this place (which also makes me wonder what the fuck were my parents doing renting for 20 years) this bastard comes to me, yelling at me saying "Where's my money? " Since I was still high I started zoning out and got a flashback of me playing in the backyard when I was still in pre-school. Talking to Mr. Brasil him saying cheerfully "Do you play soccer? No? Oh come on!" and now warp 17 years later, him looking me dead in the eye asking for his money, with his little pig son as his enforcer. Amazing how all that goes out the window when money is involved. Fuck him. All he is, is a fucking slum lord, nothing more, nothing less. There are so many things that needs to be fixed in this house, hell I sold him a very good toilet at my job (*sigh) and all I can think was "hey, im not gonna sit on that, what a fucker." 20 years, now get the hell out cause you don't have my money.
During this my mom started calling her lawyer saying she needs to get her case settled, and that bitch was like " I wish i could go in there and settle it, but [insert excuse here]" I'm said "mom, switch your fucking lawyer...now." But knowing that worthless cunt, she'll probably procrastinate on that too. She finally broke down, swallowed her pride and asked dad. My dad said she'll get back to her, drove all the way over here in his new car, and said no. That son of a bitch. He baught two houses and a new car, and has another one, and he's just getting a kick out of our situation. He waited till Niki and I were 18 and just said "see ya". My dad, is the same as my grandma, a bitter fucking old man, spawned from a bitter old woman. He gives a fuck about no one but himself, and the funny thing is, well I have a half-brother (yeah the wierd things you don't know about people) from this broad he got pregnant in Michigan. Well I guess he did the same thing with him too, so this isn't out of character for him. If I see this son of bitch, Im going to knock his fucking knee caps out, fucking coward. Fuck him too.
So the battle plan is:
Pay the slum lord off
Move out
I'm switching to full-time unfortunatly, but it's time to extend my payments to both cable and rent. More and more the army becomes a more viable option.
Life becomming your work, loneliness, not knowing when your going to eat, not knowing if you'll have a roof over your head. So, I finally discovered what depression is.
Eh, I'll live.
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August 26th, 2006
10:24 am
I havn't felt this way in a while....and it feels good.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sick.gif) hungover
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August 20th, 2006
01:50 am
I have a flask of vodka, I need one other volunteer to drink it with me...
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August 11th, 2006
05:05 pm
Some people take stupid shit way too personally. I must filter these people.
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August 4th, 2006
01:19 am
I got portugese cigarettes!!
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July 19th, 2006
04:11 am
Dude fuckin in ofoosiball man, me ans susana martins are an unbeatable team. NO ONE can fuckin stop ius man. Dude I just had to break into my own fuckin house mna. I ffuckin forgot my keyes at tim's house and i had to like, get int and shit .. But yeah dude fuckin great drinkin with you all, its been fucking AGES man, peace!.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/drunk.gif) je;;a fuckin drunk
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July 12th, 2006
04:28 pm
I love bitchy and controlling women... I think I have low self esteem.
Current Music: ani difranco - cradle and all
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July 11th, 2006
08:36 pm
*sigh* leave it up to two romanians to lift my spirits.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) cheerful
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June 28th, 2006
01:43 am
Nicole seem's to be the only one with the blatant ability to anylize me. I must prepare propper defences for this in the near future.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/confused.gif) Cautious
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June 25th, 2006
01:04 am
JESUS CHRIST. I was such a fucking closet left winger back in highschool its pathetic. I wonder how many other people knew this.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif) nostalgic
Current Music: Ani Difranco - Shy
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June 10th, 2006
10:24 pm - *sigh*
Manipulated women reap what they sow.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) ...
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June 6th, 2006
09:10 pm
Couldn't find a goat, so I used one of the baby birds I got from the nest in my backyard instead*
*denotes sarcasm
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01:03 am
Time to listen to slayer and sacrifice a goat.
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June 4th, 2006
12:11 am - Make me an idiot
I was told being able to think, to see through bullshit is a gift one is born with. I like to laugh at the word gift, because nothing can be further from the truth. Intellegence, maturity, the ability to see the other point of view is not a gift, but a very heavy burden, a curse. A curse which causes social ineptness, isolation, depression, and just a general feeling of disdain for everyone else. Above all, it causes jealousy. How dare they live thier lives in such an ignorant bliss, totally oblivious to the reality they are in? How dare they think they are the center of the universe, and everyone must appeal to them? Fucking disgusting. Some feel sorry for the ignorance, want to try to help them, but I on the other hand just receive a fresh surge of jealousy coursing through my veins as if it was an adrenalin rush after a traumatic exerience.
It would be wonderful to live my life in ignorance. To willingly accepting injustices done to me, being naive to people's darker intentions. Unfortunatly this curse infects me, as well as all the side effects caused by it. One epiphany I took to heart as a kid, was the realization that I don't quite act like these kids around me. I can hang out with them, I can joke with them, go to thier birthday parties, spend the night at their house, and have the greatest time in my life. But I will never be them. They are not me, I fit in, but yet I do not. For some reason they open up their darkest secrets to me, but I have no desire to do so to them, they are not to be trusted. You are alone and you will always be alone. This doesn't mean you do not have friends, this does not mean you won't have fun, live life, perhaps even get laid a few times. But you will always be the side dish. The optional one who completes the meal, but yet not really needed when people's appities arn't ferocious. You will always be the joker in the card deck, only to be taken out when wanted, but most of the time, thrown to the side as an optional wild card, or if your lucky, certain games that just might require your presence.
This stark realization shocked me as a child, and every so often I am reminded how true this is. I must stand on my own two. You have no one, you must not depend on no one. Only you can make you what you want to set out to be, and you must act as so. Although one must anylize ones own feelings of selfishness and not be so caught up in your own little world to forgot the needs of individual people around you. When one ask for help, and there is no deception, and you KNOW they will actually learn from it, you must give it. This curse can also be transferable to another person who is willing to accept the responsibility of having it. But those are rare in numbers.
*sigh* This is one of the many childhood lessons I wish I did not learn. This is probably depressing, but yet, is it not true?
Current Mood: ...
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June 2nd, 2006
01:34 am - loosening the screws
Man, I love days where I work 2-11, and guess what? Two days in a row! yaay! Then this crazy 12-9 and 1-10 shit, I hate when they switch it up on you, gives you no sense of...rutine. Man at my job you run through more bullshit than a cattle rancher. This one broad, who looks like a dirty white girl and well...is a dirty white girl, came into work, very drunk...twice. Now I'm a leftist but christ I fucking hate democrats. We can't fire this unproductive bitch because we have to offer treatment, and only fire her if she refuses. I mean this cock sucker clocks in faded, and they see she's faded, so they don't want her to drive home drunk so they make her sleep in the back. ARGH, I love workers rights, but shit like this is going too far. *sigh*
Bleh. Let's get off the subject of work right now. Leave work at work and home at home, mix the two and no matter what, it leaves you up shit creek without a paddle.
Ever look at yourself in the mirror, I mean REALLY look at yourself, after you've been caught up with life, work (don't mix the two), friends etc.? It's really wierd, because sometimes you see like a distinct change, it's crazy because no matter what you do you get a "woa, I think I look fuckin different"
Or maybe it's not that at all. You might just look exactly the same, just the way you perceive yourself is different because of all the shit you have went through. Sometimes for the worse, but in this case I think for the better. It is crazy to think about the relationship between perception of the world and self, and when I look at my life, I realize how interwoven these two things are. And it's crazy to think of what a little human contact, plus a bit of weight loss does to ones confidence. Like now, I can look in the mirror and say "hey...I look pretty fucking good, they would have to be a blind fool to think I don't." Hmm that reminds me, I need to buy new pants. The ones I'm wearing make me look fatter than I am due to them being lose. When I take off my belt, it wobbles around my waste (the pants) and when I grab the belt line, and pull outward from my body to see how far it goes, I can only thing , " Hey... I REFUSE to beleive my stumach or ass stuck out THAT far." But...apparently it did, kinda makes me wonder.
Blah, enough of this shit I need some sleep.
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June 1st, 2006
01:27 am
I seriously wonder if i'm a bad person
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May 25th, 2006
May 24th, 2006
01:07 am
"So we're left with just one thing. The only thing I know that drives a man to hurt, to want. This is about a girl...isn't it?"
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/wink.gif) ...
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fuckyouimeric's journal